Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
MIDGETS
????
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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