i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
