i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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