i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
