fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
