Already got asked if we're dating
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
