Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
