Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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