Kiss
Puke
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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