Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
