Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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