i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
