Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
