He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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