yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
