my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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