peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
