Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
