Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
