fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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