My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize