..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
