Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
