Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
