Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
