dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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