How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
