she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
