just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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