She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
