I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
