ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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