I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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