is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
