im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
