do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
