The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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