Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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