My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
