Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
