Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize