i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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