ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
