Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
