When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
