I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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