New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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