Swine flu. Run for my life!
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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