i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
