he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
