He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
