my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
