we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
