I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
